It’s Valentine’s Day – a time for giant chocolate gift boxes shaped like hearts, weird stuffed animals that sing, and furry handcuffs. You’ve been there and done that. You thought you’d try to be original this time around, but unless the woman of your dreams has a sweet sense of humor, avoid giving them these top ten wackiest Valentine’s Day Gifts for women…unless you enjoy sleeping on the couch.

10. A Samurai Ninja Sword

Yeah, we know you’re a master of Kung Fu, but your lady love isn’t. The Collector’s Edge has some pretty cool weapons of mass destruction, but leave the fantasy weapons in the garage in a box marked private. You don’t want to cross swords with her, especially on Valentine’s Day. I don’t care if you think you’re the Last Samurai, play with your sword and scabbard on your own time buddy.

9. A Beer Mug Hat

Women usually expect champagne wishes and caviar dreams on Valentine’s Day, not weird, puffy, beer-shaped headgear…unless you both live in a trailer park. In that case, pair this puffy beer hat from Century Novelty with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, butter your buns, and call it a biscuit.

8. The Scrinch Girl Wig

You’ve always had a fantasy of sleeping with Cindy Lou Who from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Give this Scrinch Girl synthetic wig from Wilshire Wigs to your girl and you’ll be known amongst her friends as The Grinch Who Stole Valentine’s Day. Give her a gift certificate to a spa so she can get the haircut she wants.

7. Menopausal Hot Flash Formula

You thought it would be a sweet gesture. It’s not. If you drop a hint that the love of your life is coming even close to “the change”, you’re going to have to contend with a hot flash of anger that is more powerful than any PMS mood swing you’ve ever experienced. Buy her some sweet herbal teas or splurge on some Flintstone vitamins instead.

6. Color for the Hair Down There

We, women, love the movie “Pretty in Pink”, but this is ridiculous. If you want a special surprise down there, you be the guinea pig and try this dye from MySpaShop on yourself first, just in case it burns the carpet that no longer matches the drapes. Then have fun showering at the gym, Pinkie. P.S. It also comes in Malibu Blue and Orange…don’t get her those shades either.

5. Maid Uniform Tunic

Just because she occasionally picks up your dirty towels and socks off of the floor doesn’t make her your maid. If you want to play dress up and role play for Valentine’s Day great, at least make it a sexy French maid costume. Give her this maid tunic from Uniform Warehouse and you’ll be washing your skid-marked tighty whities on your own…and forget about the mint on your pillow.

4. Candy Covered Scorpions

Nothing says “Hey honey, I love you” more than a candy-coated insect, right? My prediction is, that even if she’s a Scorpio, she won’t dig this bug pop from Candy Favorites. It’s Valentine’s Day you dope, stick with conversation hearts. This is one of the Valentine’s Day Gifts that will amaze your woman.

3. Cooking Basics for Dummies

If this requires an explanation, you’re a dummy, period. It’s the new millennium, take a cooking class yourself, you big male chauvinist. Women think men who can hold their own in the kitchen are sexy. Buy this book from Book Closeouts for yourself as one of the Valentine’s Day Gifts you will pick for her. Then cook her up something she’ll love. She’ll soon forget all of your past dummy antics.

2. Star Wars Lightsaber

No matter how cool you think Chewbacca and Boba Fett are, odds are she doesn’t. Sure this Light Saber from Entertainment Earth lights up your life with its super cool ray that extends to over 3-feet in length… but if you give your woman a light saber on the most romantic day of the year, odds are you won’t be using the force in bed that night. Expect to be flying Han Solo.

1. Bidet

Yes, this big-buck bathroom appliance from Coco Bidets features a deodorizer and dual nozzles for gentle pulsating cleaning, great for your next remodeling project. As fancy and luxurious as it may seem, give your beloved a bidet for Valentine’s Day and watch your relationship go down the toilet faster than the first flush