Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and while chocolates and flowers provide easy options for the ladies, wine and roses don’t do it for the average heterosexual male. Here are our picks for the top ten catalog items that will give the dude in your life a Valentine’s Day (and night) to remember.

10. The Mohawk Drink Hat

A train is coming towards you and a case of imported beer. Your man can only save one of you. Houston, we have a problem. There’s nothing a man loves more than his beer, except hands-free beer. Make it a Miller Night with this Mohawk Drink Hat from After 5 Catalog for only $19.99, and you might come close to competing with his belovéd brew. Then get one for your Dad and Gramps for Father’s Day to spread the beer love.

9. Color for the Hair Down There

Men love surprises. It may not be your color of choice, but think pink and he’ll be hot shocked when you go from Ugly Betty to Fun Betty with this safe, specially formulated hair color from bebeautiful for semi permanent colored privates. It’s only twenty bucks, and you’ll both be smirking at the table all through your Valentine’s Day dinner knowing there’s a pink lady down below… just don’t tell the waiter.

8. The Amanda Wig

Speaking of color… you’ve heard blondes have more fun, why not see for yourself with a head full of sexy gold locks from Wilshire Wigs that’ll make him feel like he’s having an affair with a candy striper named Chrissy. If you do end up having more fun, set up an appointment with your colorist the next day.

7.  A Ferrari

You don’t have to sell all of your internal organs to buy him the car of his dreams. Just get him a smaller version with this 1964 Ferrari 250 GTO diecast model from The Fairfield Mint. It’s marked down to $49.99 from 3 mil, which is a sweet spanking deal if you ask me. If he complains about the size, show him your engagement/wedding ring. He’ll get the real thing when you get more carats.

6. The Tomahawk Skull Gauntlet

You may not get it, but you don’t have to. Men love their toys, especially ones that make them feel powerful. Give him a night to live out his medieval fantasies with this monstrous handspike from Bud K Catalog for $39.99. Added bonus – He can use it to scare off that neighbor whose dog is always pooping on your lawn Edward Scissorhands style..

5. Beermaking Equipment

Give a man a beer and he’ll get drunk for the night. Teach a man how to brew his own beer, and he’ll be drunk forever. For the gift that keeps on giving beer guts, an expert brewmaking kit from Midwest Homebrewing and Winemaking Supplies is always a great choice. Whether he’s a beginner or an intermediate brewmaker, a fan of pale ales or dark lagers, he’ll get down to the brewing basics in no time. Pair his brewmaking kit with the Mohawk Drink Hat above for extra brownie beer points.

 4. Altoids

Hint- He’ll love chocolate covered anything for Valentine’s Day, so heat things up with some chocolate covered cinnamon flavored altoids from Candy Favorites.com. His breath will smell better, his kisses will be sweeter and he’ll never be any wiser. Better yet, Candy Favorites lets you buy them in bulk so your guy can enjoy rank free breath until next Valentine’s Day.

3. Sex for Dummies

More of a gift for you. He’ll finally learn where your clitoris is.
If you’re stuck in a sexual rut, this bestselling guide to a rewarding sex life and a deeper relationship from Book Closeouts will help out the both of you if your man has had some trouble figuring out where to put the what in the where of the who.

2. Star Wars Stamps

He collects stamps. You don’t. It may not be the most romantic of gifts, but he’ll love you for giving him a sheet of these collector’s edition stamps from Kenmore Stamps, especially if you break out a Princess Leia Return of the Jedi gold bikini afterwards…You may lose a point since postage has been upped to 42 cents. Yoda Forever Stamps anyone?

1. Pre Menstrual Relief Formula

If your time of the month falls near the 14th of February, your man is in for some unnecessary weeping, anger, violence or an unpleasant mixture of all of the above. Give him a break from your mood swings, bloating and cramping thanks to Total Nutrition’s PMS Symptom Free meds, and you’ll give him the gift of a lifetime because quite honestly, he hasn’t got time for the pain.